What a Sucky Week
Posted by Shannon on January 11, 2008
This is not been a great week by any stretch of the imagination. Perhaps that is partly why I haven’t posted at all here lately. At one point, I entertained the idea of shutting down this blog - yeah, it’s been that bad. I’ve gone from restful estatic to full of no energy and wondering how I got here in the first place.
You see, I’m struggling and few people see it or know it. I’m struggling with life. I’m struggling with trying to keep up with the difference between a nominative or dative cases in Greek. I’m struggling with the lack of fellowship and friendships I’ve made here. I miss the accountability I had on Mondays and Thursdays. I yearn for that here and I haven’t found it and I don’t think I ever will.
I’m more or less discouraged. I entered the year with high hopes, now only a week into it I’m being reminded more of what I don’t have when compared to what I do have.
Through it all, I’ve learned some things about myself some good and some not so good:
- I don’t think I realized how much I’m still have the affects of my step-father’s emotional abuse in my life. The living room was his sacred place and when he was in there I never felt welcomed. (Then again, I never felt welcomed anywhere near where he was at.) I would be watching TV and if he came in, I had about 10 seconds to get back to my room. I feared him more than I have anyone else in my life. To this day, I still feel uncomfortable in living rooms even in my home unless I’m with close friends or family.
- When I get into a rut, I’m more susceptible to allowing old mistakes creep back into my life as I have recently. It’s something I need to work on. Getting out of the ruts, and allowing the mistakes to say well in the past.
- I really feel like I disappoint a lot of people. Maybe I do and maybe I don’t. I throw so much onto myself that perhaps I carry more than my own fair share of the burdens of life that it causes me to feel this way. Sometime I need to work on as well.
- As happy as I am for my brother, there is a part of me that wishes for the same things in my life. I understand that is human, but how horrible is it that at a time when we should be celebrating, I looking around and going “who do I have to celebrate with?”
- I’m already looking forward to Spring Break. Maybe a beach will do me good.
