Who I am Today

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Many of my friends and family (hey, they’re all family in a way) read this blog from back in my new native of North Carolina since I left North Carolina in August to attend seminary. I also know many of my seminary friends check in from time to time to see what I’m coming up with next to talk about. (I also realized that both groups are a tremendous amount of support for me as I’m here in a place I would rather not be to accept a call on my life that I couldn’t imagine having years ago.)

So, if you’ll allow me for a moment, I want to talk about where I see myself, and who I see that I am right now. I think it’s especially important to reflect as we enter Lent - a time, I believe, of reflection, fasting, and prayer as we head to the cross and Easter Sunday.  Of course, I could probably write today about Super Tuesday, the Super Bowl, or how I refuse to help make pancakes today because my church’s bank account doesn’t have the funds for that many emergency room visits, but I believe this is important.

So Who am I today?I’ve come a long way from where I was on March 16, 2004. That’s a day that I’ll never forget. It was a day that I walked into the biggest battle that I could have ever imagined, the day my life stood still,  and I began to make all the wrong choices. It was the day I learned that my ex-wife left me and little did I know then that it would be the launching pad for where I am at today, but on that day it was the launching pad for depression, several wrong choices, and a life where I lived for myself and not for others.

But, to fully appreciate where I came from you have to appreciate where I was. Even before that day, it’s not like I was living the ideal life for a non-Christian let alone a Christian. I was identified more by my profession than I was my family and friends. Even as a young writer starting out, I was already thick into the lies that work is what defines us, not our family or friends or what we do for others. Perhaps it was living in the newsroom for so many years while in high school and college that I forgot what was important, or maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t ready to listen. I wanted to do things my way. That caused a lot of hurts along the way.

So, there I was sitting in my apartment the day the news hit me and the decision was made. I was going to have some fun. I was free. I was single. I was young. Why not? For the next year and a half, that’s what I did. We’ll leave the scorecard as a couple of one nighters, several relationships with only one thing in mind, and more alcohol consumed that at any point in my life. I never got trashed or drunk, but certainly the crowd I was hanging out with - even fellow alums - were not the people I needed to support me during this time.

That all changed when I entered the church that I call home in North Carolina. I finally found the support that I needed and care that I longed for and things started to change. I gained more confidence in myself. I started to trust others more. I started to believe in myself. And, more importantly, I started walking with Christ better. Those changes, in a small nut shell, led me to where I am today - a desire to reach out to families to share the love of Christ to help heal the brokenness in families and proclaim God’s love to all.

So that was then, this is now.

I’m happier today that I’ve been at any point in my life. I smile more. I laugh more and even though I tell bad jokes at least 95 percent of time, I’m starting to think God blessed me with a joy and laughter to bless others.

I love my job. How awesome is it to be involved in the lives of youth and to share with them and encourage them? It’s awesome, but it’s exhausting. I have more respect for my friends Greg Arthur and Shay Hall now than I ever had before (if that’s possible) for what they’ve done with youth groups much longer than the one I’m involved with.

There are still things I want to work on in my life. The challenge is to find peace with my mistakes early and move on and learn from them as soon as I can. I’m working on that. It’s a difficult process for someone who has spent the previous 27 years of his life walking on egg shells trying to make everyone happy. (There is a difference between making people smile and making everyone happy. When I mean making someone smile, I mean be joyful and respectful always and pleasant regardless of the situation. By making everyone happy, it means you are being used at the whim of others and are not taking care of yourself.)

And, finally, after long doubting my own abilities I belong here at this time and in this place to learn and to study. This is my ministry right now and this is how I yearn to serve God, by being the best student I can, to learn all that I can, so that in a few years when I’m working in rural North Carolina that I can aptly share the love of Christ with others and proclaim his word effectively without hesitation and without doubt.

So that’s where I am: stronger, healthier, happier. One of my professors would claim that means you are a powerful and an attractive man, somehow he gets it from Gene Simmons. I have no clue.

I’ll just say that I’m blessed and yearn to bless others through my life and, more importantly, sharing the love of Christ with others.

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