April 2, 2008...8:19 am
Three Red Flags
This morning I had the pleasure of having an early breakfast with my candidacy mentor. It was great to get back in touch with him and talk to him about what I’ve experienced in my first year thus far at Asbury Seminary.
The meeting also served another great point as it allowed a measuring stick, of sorts, to be discussed as I head forward to what will be a meeting with my church’s Staff Parrish Relations Committee in May. More on that later.
Essentially, we discussed what we had discussed before in the past: The Three Red Flags of Death. That’s What I’ll call them. Three things that could, if not handled properly, have an impact on my future meetings on the district and conference levels. The three red flags are my previous divorce, my bankruptcy, and my weight.
Here are my thoughts on each and where I think I’ve grown and areas I need to improve. For those who know me, please don’t be a troll and offer your thoughts.
Divorce: At the age of 22, I married my ex-wife in a nice ceremony at my home church in West Virginia. Nearly two years later, we were separated with the divorce finalized a year later. We were engaged at 19 and never had a solid relationship built on trust, mutual love, respect, and communication. The divorce put me in a spiral personally that took awhile to get out of, honestly.
I believe with the marriage I was settling for second-best and hopping that God would bless it and everything about it. I proposed because I felt like it was something I had to do. I married her because I felt like things would get better, especially on the communication. I settled for second-best.
But, I wasn’t a prince during the entire relationship. I was out of control. My anger issues were a major problem as I had a lot of frustrations from my family and elsewhere that I took out - never in a physical way - but in an emotional way during the marriage. We argued a lot. And by a lot I mean … a lot. I accept that and I am tremendously sorry to her. Since then, I’m more relaxed and I’ve calmed down a lot. I relate with people better. I’m more relational. And, I’ve learned, better ways to ease my anger instead of just blowing up.
As I’ve mentioned in other posts, I spent a lot of time worrying about my career, trying to find the best job, and the highest salary I could for my young family. My worries for my career came at the expense of my family, because I made decisions that affected the two of us. I’ve realized that I wasn’t spending the proper time on the relationship and what happened was the relationship died. If I’m ever blessed to be married again, and I think I will be, this is an area where I know I will work the hardest at. There are things that I can do, even as a pastor, to make this work - make sure my family is my priority over work and not take work home as much while the family is still awake. There are others, making sure I have time to have fun with the family, talk to my wife about where we are in the relationship, and be as supportive of her as she is of me.
This is the area where I’ve spent a lot of focus, because I believed it is the area where I needed the biggest growth. And, I understand this is a red flag. I appreciate that it’s a red flag and I don’t want it to be in the future.
Finances: Yes, I filled for bankruptcy in 2005. There were a lot of reasons that added to the bankruptcy that didn’t just include the divorce. We had made a lot of bad financial decisions - purchase of a home, new cars, debt - that added to our low salaries and made things very tight.
If having my ex-wife leave me at the age of 24 was the most embarrassing time for me in my life, then filing bankruptcy is clearly second. I can’t put the rights words together to describe what you go through in that hearing and there in the courtroom waiting for your name to be called. You look around and wonder how you got there. You’re distraught. You hope no one sees you that recognizes you. It’s a new low.
Since then, finances have been tight. Leaving in the Triangle of North Carolina as a single male was difficult to say the least, but I was able to provide. But there were things that I can do better and make wiser financial decisions, such as not using my credit card unless absolutely necessary, not adding more debt that I can carry, and making sure that I budget my money more responsibly and take time to consider my spending habits.
I really need to learn how to cook better. That would help a lot.
I also realize that I carry a lot of financial aid debt from undergrad and graduate school. My hope is that as my grades are where they are that I will be able to secure more institutional aid to help offset the costs and hopefully provide more freedom from the use of loans. That is my hope.
There are a lot of things I would like to buy - an iPod, PlayStation 3, a home for an investment, but the money is not there and I refuse to put myself in another financial crisis not just for myself, but also for my future wife and for whatever church I plan to serve in the future.
Weight: I’m a big boy. At 6-2, and some good 300 pounds, I could probably start nose tackle for your favorite NFL franchise.
However, I would love to cut weight. Not a lot of weight, but ideally I would like to tip the scales at 250 pounds. I believe with my build that would be a good weight to strive towards. I’ve gone to the gym more. I’m more active in athletics. But, I’m doing things like not snacking as much, watching what I eat, eating smaller portions, but there is more that I can do.
This is a big area of weakness for me, because food has always been that go to when things were rough in my life. It’s not now, but it was once. I want to get back to where I was when I was more athletic and before the desk jobs and inactivity struck.
How I can do this effectively, I’m not sure, to be quite honest. One thing that excites me is that I’m taking a job for the summer that will require me to be on the go quite a bit and working in an environment that will be sweaty. There will not be an opportunity to hit a McDonald’s for breakfast every morning or the finances to do so either. I really expect to drop a lot of weight from the summer. That is my hope at least.
But any thoughts on these three areas, please let me know. I really yearn for all the help in the world.
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