What’s Wrong With Me?

Jump to Comments

What’s wrong with me?

It’s a question that I keep asking myself over and over again and especially here lately.

Am I too fat? Do I make the wrong jokes? Am I too nice? Am I not nice enough?

My life is not where I thought it would be at 28. Granted, God’s blessed me in ways I never thought imaginable and shown me things that I never thought I would do (read give a sermon or be involved in ministry.) But, at 28 I figured by now I would be married and with at least one child.

Even with the divorce on my record, I always thought that by now I would at least be in a serious relationship or nearing marriage again for the second, and last, time. Instead, I find myself questioning my own qualities more and more and whether or not it will happen.

Yes, I know it will happen if it God’s will. But as I’ve mentioned to my married friends, those words bounce off easily when you’re sitting in your house alone and it’s just you and bad television to get you through the night.

I yearn for what my friends have or even my own brother. I grant that now is not the right time, but I wonder then when. I want a family. I want to be the husband and be a loving support to my wife (whomever she may be), and the father to my children and be the kind of father that I never had growing up. Is that so wrong? Sometimes I feel like it is. That my deepest desire is wrong and that I shouldn’t have this desire. I know that’s not right and that I’m allowed to have this desire, but the more I’m told wait … wait … wait, the more I feel like I should not have this desire.

Maybe what I just long for the most is companionship. Right now, I barely have any. I spend more nights alone than I care to admit and for a guy who hates being quiet that’s rough. I don’t want to bother my friends here because they have their lives and families, the same with my friends back home in N.C., (sorry guys, please forgive me).

So what’s wrong with me, because I’m tired of the tears, the pains, the hurt, and the waiting for something that may never happen. And that’s hard for me to comprehend.

3 Comments

Filed under Life